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Tantra FAQ

Questions About Tantra and My Sessions

  1. What is Tantra?
  2. Do I need to have a partner?
  3. What do words like yoni, lingam, chakra mean?
  4. What are sessions like?
  5. Isn't "Tantra" just fancy name for fucking?
  6. Is there something I can do right away to improve my orgasms?
  7. How did you start with Tantra?
  8. How did you become a Tantra instructor?
  9. Why are you teaching?
  10. What is sexual healing?
  11. Don't you think sex is better with intimacy?
  12. What if I'm scared?
  13. How can I get the closeness back with my husband/boyfriend/lover?
  14. Is Tantra the same as Swinging?
  15. Are Tantra and BDSM (bondage, domination/submission, sadism, masochism) related?
  16. Is Tantra a religion? Would I have to give up my religion to learn Tantra?
  17. What are "Chakras"?

What is Tantra?

The most delightful way of having your whole body participate in your orgasms...

You learn to take the energies that you have, or that your partner has, and send those energies to the parts of your body that need some loving, where you're drained, or stuck, or emotionally wounded. You get more balanced, and more healthy, and of course your capacity for Pleasure increases, too.

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Do I need to have a partner?

No. More than half of the Tantra practices are solo ones. The others I can explain so you will know them for when you do have a partner; some I can demonstrate on your body or have you practice on mine, if you are open to that.

Many of the best techniques in Tantra are for your emotions and how you feel about yourself, your body, your moods. When you become more conscious about your feelings, have more permission for your body and your moods, your sex life naturally gets better.

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What do words like yoni, lingam, chakra mean?

These are Sanskrit words.

Yoni translates "sacred space", the place on a woman's body where life comes from and life-energy shines from. Lingam translates "wand of light", where a man's life force shines, and when his lingam enters a woman's yoni, he can combine his seed for creating a life. Distinguishing your sexual organs this way is highly empowering and freeing, and interacting with your partner as a sacred being will transform your relationship.

Chakras are energy centers in the body, translate as "wheel", for the energy is sensed as spinning or wanting to radiate outwards. See What are "Chakras" below for more detail.

What are sessions like?

I approach sessions with a gentle, nurturing attitude. The techniques of Tantra are mostly quite simple; what's difficult is getting past the conditioning we have received about sex, sexuality, pleasure, our bodies, our emotions. I start sessions giving you some new possible approaches to your sexuality to add to what you already know.

As you are ready I include breathing, movement and touching techniques to prepare your body and your partner's body for higher levels of pleasure than you are used to, and then if you want I can give you an experience of some tantric touch.

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Isn't "Tantra" just a fancy name for fucking?

Some groups unfortunately don't teach the spiritual and emotional aspects of Tantra. Or, if you're not ready to open emotionally with your partner, learning some sexual techniques can be a place to start (though I think learning how to nurture your body and heal your emotional wounds would be a better place to start).

Even if all you learned about Tantra is better ways of fucking, of using your hands and mouth for giving more pleasure, you would likely find it quite satisfying.

I don't fuck in sessions, and I can give you "tips" and "pointers" to make you a world-class lover!

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Is there something I can do right away to improve my orgasms?

If you deliberately took twice as long touching other parts of your body, getting turned on slower, you'd extend how long your orgasm lasted. If you would really treat your Entire body well for an hour before you touched your clit, you'd likely have the best orgasm of your life.

Don't you Deserve to have your whole body pampered?

You might get impatient, so turned on you think you "have to" cum. If you rush to your clit, you'll be cheating yourself of the Pleasure that awaits you, in exchange for a quick cum you could have any day.

For men: allowing your pleasure to build longer let's your orgasms be more intense and last longer too. You know you can "get off" any time you want... including your whole body in the pleasure is worth learning, even if you miss some "beep-boop" little ejaculations in the process.

How did you start with Tantra?

After doing several other sexuality workshops, I did my first Tantra workshop in June 1996. I had been looking for a group of people who had warm hearts, as well as being open to sexuality. In the Muir's "Art of Conscious Loving" workshop I was surprised that I learned new techniques for giving orgasms; and I was astounded at how my emotions were opened.

I was fortunate to be able to start practicing Tantra with some beautiful, open, juicy women, who told me what they liked and how much they appreciated my attention. I was, obviously, eager to continue!

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How did you become a Tantra instructor?

I was certified in December 1998 by the Source School of Tantra (Charles and Caroline Muir) to teach Tantra to individuals and couples, after completing several of their beginner and intermediate workshops, and completing their "Way of the Daka and Dakini" Instructor's Course.

If you are interested in possibly teaching Tantra, the Muir's are offering their "Way of the Daka and Dakini", check their web site for the schedules. Other teachers are starting to offer Tantra instructor and sexual healer workshops as well.

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Why are you teaching?

Because we all need ways to become more in touch with our passions, our hearts, our healing energy. When I found that I was able to help people's relationships be more intimate and nurturing, to help bring more joy into people's lives, it was an easy choice to make.

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What is sexual healing?

Sexual healing is about releasing the energy we stored in our bodies, associated with any sexual trauma or any negative experiences around sex. The energy is then freed up for us to use in more positive ways. It can be as simple as recognizing that we no longer need to defend against what happened in the past. It could also involve breathwork, emotional release, massage, and bringing awareness to the areas of our body that are storing the experiences.

See my page on sexual healing for more.

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Don't you think sex is better with intimacy?

Absolutely! And if you want to learn any new skill, you'll need a teacher, someone you are not attached to so you are willing to make mistakes and grow. Then, bring your new increased intimacy back to your partner!

If you are both learning Tantra you will find having a coach immensely helpful in finding ways how specifically the two of you can increase your intimacy.

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What if I'm scared?

Despite all the sexy ads on TV, and all the sex in movies, we are in a very sexually judgmental society. Very few people have learned good information from parents, friends or school on how to be a good lover, how to increase intimacy, how to communicate what you want in ways that keep the relationship going well.

It is quite natural to be scared learning something so intimate, so precious, especially when there's little evidence relationships and sex can be as good as you dream.

If you can communicate your concerns, proceed slowly so you feel safe enough, stay aware of your feelings and moods and desires — you can Learn.

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How can I get the closeness back with my husband/boyfriend/lover?

Ask me as clearly as you can what you want to discover about yourself and about being in relationship. I'll help you get clear. Then we'll custom design how to do that.

Tantra has thousands of years of learning about relationship, and intimacy, and keeping the closeness alive. And the techniques are not difficult (much easier than agonizing for decades about how your relationship isn't what you know it could be!).

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Is Tantra the same as Swinging?

No. For me, people into swinging tend to be just wanting sex, often not particularly caring which of the people at the "swinger party" they are with. Many swingers (but definitely not all) have little attention on your boundaries or preferences in the moment — you are expected to have sex.

Those swingers with more attention to their partners as individuals and as beings to be honored and appreciated, have a lot in common with Tantra. However, many people who love Tantra are only interested in being intimate with their partner.

Tantra can be highly sexual, or highly spiritual, using sex to fuel a spiritual intimacy. The emphasis is on honoring each other, including your sexual preferences and your emotions. The breathwork and energy awareness are often done fully clothed, no genital contact.

Many of the key Tantric practices are done by yourself. If you are serious about being an expert Tantric student, you will keep your body in great shape, both emotionally and physically -- just like team sport athlete must spend more time in solo preparation and group practice than in game time.

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Are Tantra and BDSM (bondage, domination/submission, sadism, masochism) related?

I do think there are many parallels, though some people believe they have little in common besides being "weird sexual practices"... (they mistakenly think BDSM is all about tying people up and inflicting pain, and Tantra is all about lovey-dovey in strange positions with Indian music and incense).

They are both (when done right) highly conscious interactions... many people start for the sexual high and find the spiritual aspect later... and many bring the energy and awareness into their work and relationships.

Tantra doesn't at first glance do much with dominant-submissive, seeing both partners as aspects of Divine Masculine *and* Divine Feminine, yet many interactions have one partner giving and the other receiving, and then switching roles -- seems a matter of degree, among different people at different times, how much one dominates and how much you are equals.

People forget that Tantra honors both masculine and feminine Warriors (I've heard even well-known Tantra teachers claiming "love is all you need/all there is" but Kali (the feminine slayer of men's egos) is a prominent part of Tantra, and I think it is foolish to dishonor her....

Tantra also includes a wide range of intensity. The ancient texts talk about seven levels of yin (gentle, receptive) and of yang (firm, directive). For example, scratching can range from barely perceptible to drawing blood (neither Tantra nor BDSM go that far often). Receiving can range from allowing to a swooning in the all-encompassing bliss of God's Love. Try licking a yoni so gently that you can move a saliva bubble with your tongue, around her clit 50 times without breaking it; and then increasing the pressure gradually until you are biting her lips or clit just barely short of breaking the skin!

I notice that those who have learned one have a much easier time learning the other -- your inhibitions and misconceptions about sex have lessened, and you've already demonstrated you open to learning to be a better lover.

Is Tantra a religion? Would I have to give up my religion to learn Tantra?

Not at all. There are some Tantra teachers who bring their religious backgrounds into their teaching. If you find a teacher who is "too religious" for you, find another! Similarly, if you want to be using Tantra to further your practicing your religion, you will likely find that works very well.

What won't work is bringing to Tantra the guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear, control and manipulation that some religious groups teach -- and that so many Americans are eager to discard in favor of more empowering and enlivening forms of religion and spirituality.

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What are "Chakras"?

"Chakras are organs of the energetic or subtle body. Tantra recognizes five layers of the body, which are called sheaths. The outermost layer is the skin and bones. Next is the more subtle system of respiration; beyond that is the even more subtle system of cognition. Then comes discretion, and finally, most subtle of all, the chakra system, the body's intuitive or psychic energy system through which one may achieve physical ecstasy and spiritual unity.

"There are seven major chakras in the subtle chakra system, each of which is both a generator and a reservoir of energy and psychic consciousness. The chakras are connected to one or more of the five sheaths by means of "subtle channels" called nadis. In this way the energy from each of the chakras nourishes the whole body. These channels are not unlike the meridians on which acupuncture is based, and they are also similar to our understanding of the body's neural connectors and circuitry..."

"Each chakra corresponds to a specific area of the body, and each is believed to generate a particular form of "drive". The seven chakras align through the center of the body, with the spine as their axis. They begin at the base of the spine with the first or base chakra. According to the tantric books, the first chakra's drive is toward the material; its desire is to acquire and possess. Ironically, its bodily function deals with elimination. The second chakra is located in the region of the genitals, out of which is generated the sex drive. The third chakra, behind the navel, relates to power issues and influences the digestive system. The fourth chakra, which governs respiration, is near the heart, and is considered the energy source for intimate connection. The fifth chakra, at the throat, influences the glandular system and contains the drive to communicate as well as the spiritual drive. The sixth chakra exists between the eyebrows, where it generates intellect, and in the back part of the brain (the reticular formation), where it affects consciousness as well as the potential for inner vision. A "thousand-petalled lotus" represents the seventh chakra, which is located at the crown of the head inside the cranium and also in the area just above the head, in that realm we seek outside of ourselves."

from "Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving", by Charles and Caroline Muir